HEAL ABORTION TRAUMA…

The voice said, do it, do it, do it… Write about your pain, your struggling, your healing and share your experiences with the world. Tell them how you have healed yourself step by step… And tell them that the blame, anger, sorrow, pain, and quilt that the soul has gone through will always be there and pop up in your life once in a while but by accepting the feelings and let them come and go it will fade away… What done is done and WHY it happened, that answer I will let it to the universe …

A long journey indeed but the clarity came 15th of February 2019 when listening to one of Marie Forleo episode. The realization that everything that has happened in my life has been preparing me for this unique mission.

Sharing my story to inspire and help other women to heal them self so that they can get back their uniqueness, their enoughness and how to accept that what happened wasn’t their fault and that they still are a good person, worth the best in life.

Coming from a home with psychological abuse, seeing and hearing my stepfather said to my mother time after time, that she was stupid, never learn anything… I think for him, the only thing women are capable of, was cleaning and cooking.

Already at (6years old or earlier), I knew that I will NOT BE like my mother and that I will never let any man rule or say I’m stupid, crazy, hysterical… And that I will never cry for a guy. By defending my mother, brother and learning to hide my feelings and never show them to my stepfather whatever he said about how worthless or how stupid I am – like my mother (my happy smiling face mask help me protecting myself). Oh my! This childhood garbage or trauma took me a long time to get rid of… but by accepting, forgiving myself and the rest of the world I could heal myself. Anyway, this is one of many obstacles that have shaped me to WHO I am today.

I went to visit one of my childhood friend in Greece, this vacation was supposed to be 2 weeks stay but when I landed at Chania airport 1992 I could feel like I came home, 21 years old a girl-boy at that time, always wearing my basketball shorts, big t-shirt and my cap (my way to hide my femininity). My oh my!! Crete made me accept my femininity and changed my life in so many ways. It was in Crete I came in contact with my spirituality, the first book I read was Creative Visualization Meditations by Shakti Gawain (I think I have never marked one of the books so much that I have marked this book).

BUT… This episode changed my life forever…

I still remember, see, feel, smell that dead dolphin washed up in some mysterious way on the beach next to the house I was living, during the night… I could even taste that horrible day… 19th of January 1998 is the day l will remember forever, the DAY I killed my daughter (I know it was a girl and her name is Amanda, because she came to my dream before I even knew that I was pregnant, a curly brown haired doll with big brown eyes, she said: Don’t leave me mami… I woke up with a horrible feeling that morning).

Yes, I did kill her and the blame, shame, guilt, anger, emptiness was in me for years. I was 27 then and now I’m 47 and this is my last step on my healing journey that I am NOW ready for… This healing journey has taken me 20 years and for once I am in peace with myself both spiritually and physically and I have forgiven myself and the rest of the world.

Gabrielle Bernstein words: How can I truly be helpful? went deep into my heart and got me to realize, I can’t ignore all the signs that the Universe has shown me anymore… Tell my story to the world and help other women that have gone through abortion heal too…

Abortion is one of the most tabu subjects that really needs to be shared, spoken about daily and worldwide.. How many of the women out there are suffering in silence, aloneness with such guilt within themselves… because of society, religion, culture and so on… never have thought us and NEVER HAVE REALLY BEEN listening to us that ARE in this situation.

If we have been taught not to blame, not to be a shame and be more open about abortion, maybe I and the rest of the women out there, will handle this kind of situations in a totally different way, because at the end WHO ARE THE PERSONS THAT ARE BLAMING OR JUDGING US?

Before blaming or judging – go through “our hell”

Before blaming or judging – be in our shoes?

Why I did it was because of the circumstance and my way to think then (didn’t have the best self-esteem at that time).

What I needed the most after and during the abortion was: LOVE from the society and NOT the blame, LOVE from the world and NOT the blame, LOVE from all the haters and NOT the blame, LOVE from religious and NOT the blame, LOVE from all the cultures and NOT the blame, LOVE from families- friends and NOT the blame… But most important of all – LOVE from myself and NOT the blame.

Yes, I’m talking about abortion!

I need to speak up about this topic and I know is the right time to do so…

Yes, I’m talking about abortion!

I have kept this secret inside of me for 20 years, and I’m still trying to heal myself from this and I know that I will never be totally healed if I don’t take my responsibility and ownership of my own feelings and talk about it…

I use “I” sentences to focus on my own experiences and to avoid generalizing about others.

Please try to read these 4 scenarios without judgment:

Scenario 1 – The Father

I love you he said but I wouldn’t accept IT… that IT that he was referring to was our unborn child. I would never accept IT as my mine… The Father of our child was not a teenager or a guy in my age… He was much older than me and had daughters that were almost my age.

Scenario 2 – Me

I had two weeks to make the most difficult decision in my whole life, totally alone in a foreign country with no savings, living month by month. Back then I was 25 years old, according to the doctor the perfect age to have a child.

Scenario 3 – My Parents

When something like this happens, even though my relationship with my parents sucks, I call them because they are my parents and even though I knew that my stepfather will say: that I get to stand for my actions and take the consequences and fix my own shit.

My mother answered my phone call and I told her that I was pregnant.

The reaction I got from her was: Why didn’t you use condoms!

Scenario 4 – Alone and Empty

Woke up alone with an emptiness inside and a menstrual pad between my leg, I couldn’t even cry because I didn’t feel anything. The first person that came inside the room was the father of our now gone child  (thrown away in a garbage bag), the first words that came out from his mouth was…

How do you feel?

Before starting to accuse or judge, I would like you to

Please read again!

Scenario 1 – The Father

I love you he said but not in that way that you think. I can’t live with you BUT I will accept our child and do whatever it takes to help you raise this child. This child will grow up knowing that I will be there.

Scenario 2 – Me

I will have to make a decision and change my way of living and prepare myself for a life as a single mother and make the best of the situation for my child and me. Back then I was 27 years old, according to the doctor the perfect age to have a child and I totally agree.

Scenario 3 – My Parents

When something like this happen, even though my relationships with my parents suck, I call them because they are my parents and even though I knew that my stepfather will say: that I get to stand for my actions and take the consequences and fix my own shit and even if they didn’t understand why this has happened they will stand by my side, in their own weird way.

Scenario 4 – Alone but with hope

I will be a single mother and raise my child alone but at least I will have hope for both of us. I know that I will do the best as a single mother even though it would be though, at least I’m in peace with myself and I’m in peace for my child because this child will have a father even though we don’t live together and this child will have grandparents even though they are weird in their own way.

Feel the same way about me now or would I still be judge and accused for…???  

I would never judge someone because nobody knows better what I’ve gone through or what made me be or think this way instead of some other way. I have my own likes and dislikes, personal experiences, and a hierarchy of values and they’re not any better or worse than anyone else’s. Nobody can deny me my autonomy, because we all have the right to be free, as long as we respect others. Every relationship, even the most cordial, is sustained through consideration and tolerance of other people’s decisions.

“Respecting every person’s autonomy and dignity is an ethical imperative, not a favor that we can or can’t grant each other.” -Paulo Freire-

I remember I was thinking back then:

Instead of judging, disagree, accusing or criticize…

I would like a Society that has real talk about abortion so that I didn’t feel so alone and isolated…

I would like a Society with a safe place to go to and share my feelings, a Society that wasn’t a shame to speak open, honest, judgment-free conversations about abortion, a Society that encourage me with help and advice, maybe I would have taken a different decision…